📅 25 May 2025 • 📖 5 min read
— By Dr. Sandip Roy.
A narcissist’s fake apologies can range from nonpology to ghostpology.
They often include excuses, blame-shifting, and even victim-shaming in their apologies. Plus, most are conditional, like “I’m sorry if…” or “I regret you feel that way, but…” to volley back the responsibility for their actions.
So, dealing with a narcissist’s apology can mean facing emotional blackmail, half-truths, or gaslighting.
Here’s how to protect your peace and stay grounded when that happens:
1. Expect Insincerity
A narcissist’s apology is hard to come by. And when they say sorry, they’re not really sorry.
Most narcissists do not apologize to repair the relationship. They apologize to escape the consequences of their actions. That’s the harsh truth.
Don’t assume they’re remorseful just because they said “sorry.” Instead, take time to sift the manipulative intent hidden in the words.
Listen carefully, but process their words with caution. Trust patterns, not promises.
2. Stay Realistic About Who They Are
You can’t force insight or empathy into someone who isn’t wired for it. So, always keep your expectations realistic when dealing with a narcissist.
Don’t expect growth where there’s denial. Don’t expect them to change all of a sudden just because they said the right thing.
You cannot change their behavior, so avoid arguments over “their versions of the truth.”
Don’t forgive them for their non-apologies, those “Sorry, but …” apologies. Instead, keep your interactions with them transactional, stop expecting them to change, and guard your sanity.
3. Keep Your Boundaries Non-Negotiable
Whether you accept their apology or not, make sure you clearly tell them about your boundaries.
Tell them what you will not tolerate moving forward. Get them to agree.
If possible, ask them to repeat your boundaries in their own words.
That’s not for their clarity; it’s for the record. Narcissists typically fear going back on their recorded statements.
- Find time to read this: 8 Ways To Keep Your Cool Around A Narcissist.
4. Focus on Behavior, Not Words
A narcissist may say anything to restore their image. So, when your narcissist apologizes, don’t rush to believe it.
Watch what they do next. In fact, tell them you’re not convinced by their words and will keep watch on their future actions.
Don’t explain yourself. Be curt with your words. Let their actions speak louder than their words.
Do they follow through? Or do they keep crossing the same lines?
- Did you know that when confronted, narcissists resort to using “word salad”?
5. Don’t Take The Bait
Fake apologies from a narcissist come laced with blame, excuses, or provocations.
Stay calm. Realize and remind yourself that narcissists love drama; it gives them importance.
They want you to react emotionally so they can flip the script. Don’t get pulled into arguments.
If needed, give a short response or no response at all. Your calm is your strength.
6. Document What Happens
Keep a personal journal. It’s not just for venting.
It helps you fact-check your reality when they gaslight you later. Writing down what was said, done, or promised creates a trail you can trust when doubt creeps in.
You can also use it to track their behavior around your personal space and boundaries, and to identify patterns and habits.
Moreover, those notes can also be helpful if you want to divorce your narcissist and deal with the legal side of things.
7. Find Emotional Nourishment Elsewhere
There are at least 10 reasons why dealing with narcissists is emotionally draining.
Narcissists rarely provide emotional safety or empathy. Worse, from early in the relationship, they try to cut you off from your social circle.
So, stay connected to others. Find people who will listen and understand you without judging you. Do not lose touch with your friends, family, and others who support you.
If starting to feel isolated, consider joining a narcissist survivor group. They can validate your experience and help you see through the narcissist’s relentless gaslighting.
Your healing depends on more than just surviving this relationship. You need to save your future mental sanity.
8. Don’t Try to Teach Them
Do not try to fix, treat, or sort out your narcissist; you’ll fail at it.
You may be tempted to explain how a real apology works or what they should have said. But this rarely goes well.
They’re not looking to understand. They’re trying to maintain control. Save your energy. Focus on your safety and clarity instead.
9. Reinforce Change Only If It’s Genuine
If you do notice consistent, respectful changes in behavior, acknowledge them, without over-investing emotionally.
Validation can be helpful, but only when the change is real and sustained over time.
Never reward crumbs. This is over and above the urge to respond to their triggers for drama.
10. Prioritize Your Safety
If you feel unsafe or at risk, consider it an emergency. Act on it without announcing it.
Telling them you’re feeling unsafe may make them think you might leave them, and they’ll lose control over you.
Narcissists, when they sense a loss of control, can escalate their abuse, explode in narcissistic rage, or become inhumanely cruel.
They can play you until the last moment your divorce is finalized. Your (and your children’s, if you have them) well-being matters more than their comfort.
Get support from friends and family before moving out of the relationship.
Make an exit plan, and even get a restraining order if needed.
Final Words
If you refuse to accept their apologies, the narcissist may recruit third parties to advance their agenda. Be cautious.
Called flying monkeys, these can be friends, colleagues, and family members who come and tell you to forgive the poor narcissist.
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√ Also Read: What Triggers Narcissistic Rage? What Happens During It?
√ Please share it with someone if you found this helpful.